Sunday, April 3, 2011

My Depression - His Addiction by Julie

     A few years ago, I went through the darkest time of my life.  It didn’t start dark, as I was ready for a change, but what I didn’t know was how it would change me.
     It all started when I decided that “enough was enough”. I was desperate, looking anywhere for a sign, an answer as to what I should do. I broke up with someone who I thought was my life partner, the love of my life. A person that I slept next to and loved for six years.  Although, everyone goes through breakups, not everyone goes through this kind. I had called it off while we were still living together. We had the most beautiful relationship until we move to the big city and he got caught up in the club scene. Working there, working late, going out after, being with girls and most importantly cocaine.
     He stopped coming home at night. I remember that for the six months prior to the breakup I would wake up and he wouldn’t be home yet. I’d call and call and call, he wouldn’t answer, and then he’d lie to me about where he was.
     After this was all said and done, he turned to cocaine even more – his ultimate escape from reality. He turned into a mean, angry person and used me for his blame. He was so close to dying; he was a full-blown addict. He had lost 30 pounds, he would call me and scream at me, he turned into a different person and for two years, I mourned his death, when really he was still alive, but the person I had loved, was long gone, and he was dead.
     Addiction is the hardest thing to watch someone you love go through and it took me a very long time for me to accept that he was gone. I cried and cried and couldn’t shake my pain, my depression, my anxiety. I thought that my world had closed in and opportunity didn’t exist.
     It took over two years for me to shake him, for me to know that I can live happily. It took dark times, times where I didn’t think the sun would come up. I remember looking at people on the train in the mornings and being brought to tears because they looked happy and that’s all I wanted.
     I went to therapy, I cried to my sister, I hugged my friends and family, I wrote myself letters of encouragement. I wrote poems, songs, blogs, I sought out others with similar cases online to know, to see that I was not alone. I worked on myself as much as I could, I put away every reminder of him so that his presence was not all around me anymore. I worked out, I painted, I danced, I laughed and I worked hard. Making myself better, gave me the boost of confidence and sense of new opportunity that I was struggling so long and hard with.
     I have since then come out of my depression, I don’t talk to him, I don’t think of him often – but when he does fall into my stream of consciousness, my perspective is completely flipped. I’ve learned that I can overcome anything; I just need to start with myself. I can endure pain, I can endure suffering and I can rise out of the ashes a better person.
     Today I am more in love than ever, I have a self-confidence that I only could have because I know from experience how low I can be. I’ve done it all myself, I had to do it for myself so that I could pick up the pieces and move on.  It’s also given me a new beginning of life as an independent because I don’t have an addict depending on me, sucking all of me out. As hard as it is for me to say or type this out, it had to happen this way and I know I’m a better person now because of it.

Thanks.

Risky sexual Behavior by Siddalee Grace

I don’t know what made me start, I don’t know why I chose to do and say the things that I did. Sometimes it gave me joy, other times I would regret the things I did. Throughout most of it there was hardly any emotion, even though I got attached. The first time I did anything sexual with anyone was when I had just graduated high school. This was also the first year that I started drinking.
 It was the month before school started when I first started to do things with Jacob. Jacob never kissed me or anything, he would occasionally give me the attention; at some parties I had it and other parties I didn’t. I don’t know why I continued to try for his attention or to do things with him. The only thing I did with Jacob was oral sex, it was never special, and it didn’t mean anything but satisfaction for him. I was there to be used and I let myself be.
After this Jacob went and I went to college, but we went to the same college and lived on the same floor in the same dorm. This was hard, I was still attracted to him and wanted to do things with him. I would try to dress and act different and be sure I was talking loud or having fun when I passed his room so he knew I was there. It took a while to get over Jacob, but things happened again. I went back home for a break and this time I was in his attention spot, I did get to have oral sex with him but in the end I was hurt again.
By the time I met David I was fully over Jacob, and I really liked David. Although David had a girlfriend I couldn’t keep from flirting and sending naughty texts. I really tried hard for his attention and in the end I guess it worked out. David was also into my best friend, but I didn’t care too much because then at least he was around. David had sex with her first, I was jealous but I didn’t really care too much. I wasn’t fully into David until after this.
The first time I did stuff with David, was the end of freshman year, he text me to come over and mess around. So being me, wanting his attention and also wanting to mess around I went, blowing off plans with my friends. I made sure to dress cut
e and that I looked “hot.” I was so excited to go over, however I usually went over with my best friend this time I was going over alone.
When I got there David was playing beer pong. I sat on the couch and watched him; I would text and tell him about how attractive he looked or how much I liked his butt (it was sexy). David was also British; it was so attractive when he would talk in his accent. One of the first couple of times we hung out, the three of us, I told him if he did that my friend and I would show him our boobs, and we did. I really liked David, it was hard not to. He was older, blonde and going into education, my major at the time.
After David played beer pong he went to the bathroom, but gave me that look to follow him. When we got into the bathroom I dropped down and performed oral sex. At this point I felt somewhat like a bad ass, but also very low. This was my dirtiest thing yet, David’s girlfriend was upstairs, and he was down stairs with me. The next day I left to go home for the summer, but our secret hookups didn’t stop; they actually took a drastic turn.
The next week I went up and saw David, my friends were having a party. We set it up so he would go with me to the party but I would stay with him so that we could have sex. The cover up lie was that David knew my older brother (who doesn’t exist) and that’s why I was staying with him and not my friends. Later that night we had sex, and I lost my virginity. I lost it to someone else’s boyfriend, I didn’t love him, and there was no attachment; yet.
Throughout the summer David and I would text dirty back and forth, he was the first guy who I sent naked pictures to. I thought that everything was fine at this point, it was all just a little game and it didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter because if I didn’t wait until I had a boyfriend to have sex, why should I care? Why should I wait? I despised his girl friend, I liked that I was sleeping with and texting her boyfriend and that she didn’t know. I started to love sneaking around.
It didn’t stop with David and I, I don’t remember everything that happened between us. When I got back to school it started up again, but this time we would have sex during the week, I did sink low. But when talking about it I would joke around, because it was cool, or at least I pretended to make myself feel better.
David got me to sneak over at night, I would walk over to the fraternity house that he lived in from my sorority house, where I lived. He would know I was coming and would wait for me on top of the fire escape. I would sneak quietly up the stairs and into his room. We would mess around and then have sex. I only used a condom the first time we had sex, after that we didn’t. I would occasionally have a late period but I never actually got pregnant. The worst thing he said to me was that if I had gotten pregnant, he would lie. David and I continued to have sex off and on and I was still enjoying the sneakiness and secrets of our friendship. David and I did stop having sex for a while.
Around the time I stopped sleeping with David, I went to a fraternity party (not David’s) where I met Andrew. I didn’t even really spend that much time with him, and honestly I was so drunk that I don’t remember much about that night. I do remember having sex and going home with him, this was my first one night stand. I was so embarrassed about this that during the middle of the night I left and went home. I occasionally see Andrew on campus and hear of him because some of my sorority sisters are friends with him. Only one of them, to my knowledge knows about this. After this I would calm down for a while, I tried my hardest to at least. I did end up hooking up with David again after all of this, he was still with his girlfriend but I didn’t care.
I also took a dance class during the fall semester of sophomore year and this is where I met James. James was really attractive and nice, or so I thought. After we actually met face to face and exchanged names, numbers etc, we flirted through texts and he actually wanted to talk to me. I did end up sending him a few pictures of my chest throughout this situation. I was at a New Year’s Eve party when I found out that he had a girl friend, I wasn’t happy. I wanted him to erase the pictures but he said no. Surprisingly we stayed friends.
It took a while of hanging out for me to start doing things with James. The only thing sexual I ever did with him was give him head. I did this knowing he had a girl friend, and I continued to do this. James would text me after going out, this was usually when we’d meet, and he’d get head. James and I did continue this for awhile, but we still kind of stayed friends. I texted James a lot, but his interest in wanting to talk to me slowly died. At one point his girlfriend broke up with him because I was talking to him too much. Yet this didn’t stop anything between us.
Things did calm down for a while, and the rest of my sophomore year I didn’t have any “new” guys. But the next year, I went to yet another fraternity party, these guys where the known “partiers.” A lot of the sorority girls attended, this wasn’t my first one but it ended up being my last. It was an ABC party (anything but clothes) and I went as a twister board. I was drinking a lot this night, and wish that my friend would have come with instead of deciding to stay home last minute; maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with Ryan. The party was bad itself, one of my sisters was trying to hit on Ryan, but instead he was hitting on me. He would make out with me and finger me while we were in the booth at the back of the bar.
At this point I felt bad, I didn’t know what to do and how to act. When we were back on the dance floor Ryan filled up my beer cup for me and handed it back. This was one of the scariest times I have experienced and I am glad that I was aware enough to realize it. When I grabbed my cup back from him I immediately took a drink. As I did this I felt this little pill shaped thing slide into my mouth, since I was freaked out I spit it out on the floor.
This didn’t stop me from going home with Ryan, I wished it had. I am glad though that the pill I spit out didn’t affect me or whatnot. Since I went home with Ryan I was now having my second one night stand. We went to Ryan’s friend’s room because his roommate was in his. We messed around, and then had sex. I remember waking up and regretting it. I quickly got up and climbed down from his loft, his friend was now home. I remember him saying mean comments to me and I ran out of his dorm. His friend started to follow me and said something down the stair well. At this point I was running frantically down the stairs, I was terrified that he was following me.
After this I had to walk home and it was almost bar close. Walking to my sorority house from his dorm meant crossing the bars. This was embarrassing because I was just in a tank top and shorts; I carried my heels and the twister costume. I talked to my mom so I could avoid comments from people and pretend I wasn’t being humiliated. I felt so bad after this night and gross. I wished it hadn’t happened. Times after this it became awkward, one of the girls in my sorority had a thing with him and knowing I was with him before I just felt embarrassed. 
I knew that I really needed to change myself because going home with him wasn’t a good choice. But life was getting hard for me; I really wanted a boyfriend. I was so upset that I hadn’t had one yet and all my friends had. I didn’t know how to even start changing myself, but I knew that I wanted to; however this wasn’t about to come true.
Things did eventually stop with James, or started happening less often about the time I started my junior year. This is when I met one of James’ good friend Aidan, James had texted me to see if I had wanted to meet his friend who wanted some action. I don’t know why I said yes and that it was okay. Maybe it was because at this point I was okay with being used, or that maybe this would be the guy who wanted to be my boyfriend. But I did it.
The first few times I hung out with Aidan I didn’t do anything. This ended up to be a good thing, because I ended up hooking up again with another guy. I met Brandon at my friend’s birthday party/homecoming for their college. Nothing was honestly supposed to happen. Brandon and I were talking about music and I wanted to show him a good band. So we went into his room to you tube them.
While we were listening we started making out and that lead to shutting and locking his door then to the bed where we had sex. Everyone at the party knew about this happening and joked about it. My sister walked around saying as a joke, “my sister is a slut.” It was funny at the time, it was also funny how everything I had lost, like my earring and my shoes were in his room. I stayed with my friends that whole weekend but nothing ever happened again with me and Brandon.
After this weekend I started doing stuff with Aidan. I would go over to his house late, usually around 9. We would watch a movie and then end up doing stuff. Aidan was another guy that I only gave head too. I enjoyed it with him, I also liked him. Aidan, not surprisingly hurt me, really bad.
Throughout our friendship or whatever it was, I sent explicit pictures messages to him; I thought that I could trust him, but I guess I was wrong. I came home from going out one night and was sitting at the kitchen at my sorority house. This girl who I really disliked started being a tad bit sassy and wouldn’t shut up. She was saying how she knew stuff about me, and then got into saying that she knew I sent naked pictures to someone and how they got out. I was so shocked, I bawled the entire night. I will honestly never forget that happening. It seemed that everyone knew about this but me, I can never trust my sorority sisters the same for knowing and not saying. I am still embarrassed that they might be out there still or someday come out.
I stopped talking to Aidan for a while; but I was really bad in this situation. I would apologize and ask how to make it up to him. Looking back I want to smack myself in the face, who would do that, why did I do that? Things with Aidan started again, but they stopped once again a while down the road. Things with him were very off and on. He did contact me at the beginning of the school year and apologized, this time I did believe it, but yet again I don’t know why. We haven’t done anything since but he wants to. He’s also asked for pictures, but I lie and say that I can’t send picture texts. It’s hard because sometimes I want to give into him so bad.
Awhile after the whole thing got out with the pictures it was time for my sorority formal. Surprisingly enough, I asked David and he said yes; his girlfriend was okay with it. At this point she didn’t know our secrets. On the way home from the dance David played with me, it was awkward because everyone was around but I kind of liked that risk.
David and I weren’t supposed to have sex that night, but we did. I walked over and snuck up the fire escape like usual. This was honestly the last time I thought we would have sex, so I gave into what he wanted in hopes that I would later get what I wanted. After we messed around I didn’t want to stop but his phone kept beeping so we stopped. It so happened that his girlfriend was outside, he was panicked and I was terrified. I thought oh my God, I am going to get caught. I didn’t however; I snuck back down and walked back to my sorority house. After all of this happened I did calm down for a while, besides occasionally giving head to James.
I did a pretty good job until later this summer. I went to the bar with some of my sorority sisters. This was a good night but yet a bad night. David came, and I pretty much hadn’t seen him for a whole year. This was also the night I met Matthew. I also saw James this night; this was probably one of my worst nights ever.
David came home with me and we had sex without a condom and this time he went inside of me. Later on James came over with his friend, after I saw him at a different bar. I tried giving James head but I didn’t succeed which is a good thing after thinking about it. But this was all bad because the next day I was supposed to hang out with Matthew.
The morning after all of this happened I felt horrible. I knew what had happened but I didn’t want to admit it. I tried talking to David about everything but he denied it at first. Later on he said it happened but wanted me to take plan B; David had a different girlfriend now. I obviously can’t have a baby if he is dating someone and I’m hanging out with this other guy. I hated this; it was the worst day ever. I cried in the parking lot for a long time before I went into Hyvee, I really didn’t want to get it. Once I got home I couldn’t even make myself take it even though I knew I had to. But I did.
Matthew and I hung out later this day, but I felt horrible, I thought I was a huge slut and how could I do that when I liked him? Things with Matthew and I went well, we ended up dating, and we didn’t wait that long to have sex. I was head over heels crazy for Matthew. He was my first boyfriend. He wanted to be with me, he liked me. We spent a lot of time together, and I thought things were going well.
As all good things come to an end, our relationship did. I was heartbroken and sometimes I still am. There were times when I was so upset that I wanted to end my life, but how could I? I knew I was way too good for him but I was letting him win because I was upset. I was also angry with God, because I had prayed for a long time for a boyfriend, then when I got him, he was taken away. Matthew told me I was too good for him and that we just didn’t have enough in common. Matthew did drugs, I was against it. I was also scared at this time because I realized that I was 5 days late getting my period. Matthew’s condom had slipped off one time when we had sex. Now things were worse.
I eventually got semi over him, and I never was pregnant. I hate that I always drunk text him. I even brought up being friends with benefits in hopes of getting him back. We hooked up twice but that was it. He didn’t want it and later started dating someone else. I drunk texted him so much I don’t remember all that I had said, or what he said. Usually he didn’t answer until just recently, when I texted him and told him that I tried drugs. Something I am not sure if I regret or not. I wanted to do it that once but not anymore.
I feel like I have screwed up so much in my life making the decisions that I did, and the words that I chose when I texted people. I wish that I could go back and change things but I also don’t want to live my life regretting things, because no matter what I do I can’t take back the things that I did.
I have learned from all of this, I learned that it’s not okay to just have sex with a random guy, and that doing things with s guy in a relationship is bad news. I also learned that I do deserve to have a boyfriend, and be liked that way. I really learned from Matthew that I want to wait to have sex again until I am in a relationship. I want to be respected and I am going to wait.
Things have been hard. I have had other guys in my room and I probably shouldn’t have done the things that I did with them. I want to have no sex, but I gave in and had oral sex. I really want to change who I am, but it’s not always the best thing to say because I am who I am. I am still working on this and hope that someday I can just stop doing what I do; I want to make better decisions. I really hope that I can succeed in doing this and that someday I will be that good girl I used to be, and that “too good of girl,” that Matthew broke up with.

Mixed Emotions - Riah

      in college we had a family of friends. there was one house, on caledonia street, in which we always hung out…the boys were all brothers, and all of us girls were sisters. this family was inseparable…always cooking together, making music, throwing themed parties, praying together, climbing trees together, playing playing playing all hours of the day, night, and morning. i was in a band with four of the boys. i was in love with colin. colin and derick were best friends, the lead and rhythm guitarists. derick was married to katrina, and they had a newborn baby. colin was dating anna, but colin was my spiritual partner, my music soulmate…he loved me, too, but got anna pregnant. we continued to spend most of our time together and make beautiful music and play with the cosmos of our touch meridians, even though anna was with a growing belly. i confided in katrina about all of this misery, my not being able to fully be with colin because he was having a baby with a girl he didn’t love. anna hated me. although i never slept with colin or even continued any sexual relationship at all, anna’s loathing of our connection, musically and spiritually, caused me to become ostracized from the family. although no one wanted me to have to not go to the parties anymore or stay away from the family meals, because anna was pregnant, she got to be around for gatherings, and i had to stay away. it was the loneliest time for me, utterly devstating, not ever knowing what would become of any of those relationships, everyone was stressed about it…
      during this time, colin also confided in katrina because he was always over at her and derick’s house, best friends and musicians and all. then i began to notice that katrina was spending more and more time with colin, at a bar down the street. derick would ask me where katrina was, as i was over at the caledonia house, and i would have to let him know that neither of them were there. they were out at the bar hanging out. often, when i went over to the caledonia house to hang out with colin, i’d find katrina in colin’s room. this started to be a frequent occurence as well, and yet katrina and my relationship seemed normal, so did derick and colin’s friendship, as did mine and colin’s, when we were together.
      one night at the caledonia house during our weekly tuesday theme party colin got a call from anna’s mom, who was a midwife. they were coming to the house to pick up colin…anna was in the backseat, upside down, and bleeding profusely. three days later, they lost the baby, who had been taking from her in emergency surgery, put on life support, and passed. he was three months premature.
katrina and colin continued their affair, as it was. i confirmed both mine and derick’s suspicions by waiting outside of their favorite bar one night, waiting for them to exit…upon leaving, i saw her twirl around and when she stopped, he kissed her, and that was the end. i told derick, went over to stay with the baby while he went over to colin’s bedroom and busted him and katrina. gross.
      i split town. left for a few months, traveling, growing wings. upon return, the first night, i went to katrina’s, hoping to rekindle our estranged sisterhood. i missed her. i mean, we even had the same tattoo together. i missed her, hoped she had regained some sensibility while i had been away. when i got there on my first night back, to my surprise, colin came over. i was paralyzed. things seemed pretty mellow, though, as he picked up the banjo, and i was transfixed, as always. soon after, katrina and colin tried to seduce me, saying they were both in love with me and wanted to have a threesome. later! i split town again.